This is written as a dedication to serve as a motivation to those who are struggling with eating disorders. I hope I have depicted the concept of inner battle to those who are trying to curb with their disorders in the best way possible without sacrificing its value to serve those who needed motivation from other prospects besides eating disorders. I had loved ones who experienced the same and wish others to not give up their fight.
As cold as it gets, no weather can match what you have felt. So beaten, so weary, so burdened, you could hardly believe that you can still breathe after all you had been through. All you have is yourself. What could you have possibly done to deserve such fate, you wondered. Unfortunately nobody can answer you, nor will there ever be any answers. Everyday is a battle. A battle to stay up and alive. A struggle to get through days filled with tests that have brought you to your limits.
The truth is that, you understand. You understand the reality that everyone has their own battle to fight. It is perfectly clear to you that no one will ever be in a better condition than you. But at times like this, it is hard to tell. Could that have been the truth about life? Could it be that nobody else’s battle is easier than mine? You just cannot wrap your mind around the fact that everyone has to fight such a hard battle.
You thought at this point, it would be better if you were in someone else’s shoes, but reality forbids. You woke up the next day and there you were, putting on your battle prints to fight through another day. You are a persistent individual. An individual who will not go down without putting a good fight. So did you, fighting through, winning some and losing some. You have persevered, for days to years, from years to decades. “But will there be an end?”, you thought. Just so exhausting.
The Fork Road
Day in day out, you were given the choice to continue or to give up. Dilemma flooded your mind as if it was hit by waves and waves of tsunami. You know you could not give up. All the voices surrounding you, telling you life is a battle that you must continue to fight for. How you wish all those voices would just leave you alone, yet at the same time you needed them. How are you going to make a decision upon which path you shall take, knowing none of them will offer you any peace of mind. In the end however, you have to make a decision.
As you finished your exhausting routines of chores and errands, you decided to take a rest, regardless of the undone tasks. “For now, I had enough”, you told yourself. This is probably your hundredth time telling yourself the similar, yet never did mean to intend. In the past when you did, you still got back up to continue whatever that exhaust you. Perhaps that is your one and only achievement till date.
Howbeit, this day was different. As you sat in a cafe corner across the slum, you noticed perhaps the poorest man you have came across in your life. Not long after, you soon widen your eyes to try to accept the fact that this man have indeed, five children to afford for. You soon came up with all the possible calculations to get over the fact, how this five children could have survived under such a poor home. To no avail, none of the calculations you tried, came out logical.
With curiousity, beyond that of a cat’s, you returned to the same place the next day. This time around, you still get to see the poor man. You then followed him all day long to feed your curiousity. The figure of such poverty could not even escape your sight even if you lose your focus for minutes. Soon you found yourself coming to an entrance to an underground space. Then it hit you. It was an old storage space. The poor man then exposed his severely damaged right arm and started lifting heavy bags as part of his job.
The poor man’s deed had touched you so deep you could not stop yourself from asking why. Why in the world would a person work so hard to the extend of damage yet knowing he could never provide enough for his family still. The man then said, “Son, it is not how much I could do, or how capable I am. My family is my responsibility. It is my responsibility to raise my children, and nobody else’s. It is not if you could do it or not, it is why you need to do it.”
It is not if we could win our battle, but why we need to fight. A battle is well lost when we find no reason to fight. The story above, tells “you” as your enemy, the “poor man” as your will, and his “five children”, your spark of life. Our daily battles had made us tell ourselves a really sad story. Yet in the end of the day, when you find a reason to prevail, no enemies will not shiver upon your will to do so. The only person who you have to defeat, is yourself who prevents you from finding the “poor man” in you.
Waking up to a very unpleasant morning, you find yourself losing purpose in life. Obstacles once again hold you back from where you are supposed to head towards. You did good and you made excellent effort. Nothing else is left for you to bring in as the best had been done but the best of results that is deserved were not heading your way.
As this could be your thoughts in parts of your life, think of how much you have grown. From the day when you were a child to this day when you are grown not only physically, but mentally. Was not that an achievement?
If this story was to be told by me, it could have been different. I once did not do as good as I was supposed to, both socially and in achievement. The lack of achievements and the feeling of depleting self esteem, as I explained myself to others, who cared and those who do not. However I still manage to grow as time passes and learn as I go. My will to learn had gotten me far. I did not realise that until I look back, to the mileage I have travelled. It was far indeed from where I started. That is what that kept me moving, knowing I could walk this far and grow this much.
So why give up? When in doubt, look at how much you have grown. It was your greatest achievement. If you look ahead, you think you are still far from where you are headed, but if you look behind, you will notice you have walked for many miles and moved mountains bigger than previous ones as you went by.
Sometimes in life you have to look back. Not because you favour what is past, but reminiscing what you had done. To move forward is to recognize yourself for the things you have done. Sometimes in life, a little self-credit could make a difference.
I’ve often meet people who find it hard to blend in with people around them or to find courage to actually stand and fight for what they want. They are either too shy or suffering from great insufficient of self-esteem. The fact is, this is normal. In fact, I have experienced through it. How to actually improve yourself? The keyword here is, “Overcome“.
- Be better than you were the day before, the next day. Always aim to improve in at least 1 aspect of your qualities on the next day. If you failed to do so, do not despair. The bright side of it is that, at least that particular quality of yours did not grow backwards.
- Know the meaning of courage. In many times, you may choose to avoid a battle because you feel afraid. Know that, it is perfectly perfect to be a coward. In fact, the more cowardly you are, just proves your intelligence. Only an idiot would stand head to head with a threat he could not overturn. Courage is when you decide to overcome. When you believe you do something because you need to, not because you wish you could. If you need courage in anything that you may do, think of the reason why, and stand for the reason, not by your bravery. Use your courage.
- Get an Overcome Partner. If you are coincidentally a close friend to someone who has his/her self-esteem at a perfect level, this will work for you. Use him/her as your “aim-setter”. Whenever you wanted to try for something, ask them what would they do and take their considerations strongly. Of course, make sure that their rationality is in check. As long as their answers are logical, accept them. Tell yourself that, if they are confident enough to grab their chances, you could pull it off too.
- Know yourself. Many thought they knew themselves, when they actually don’t. What you think of yourself is not who you are, just mere lies you tell yourself to feel optimum. Never settle for the little self-discriminator inside you. Who you are is who you think you will, want, could and should be. If you want to be better, you are better. If you will, could and think you should, then you are that anyone you will, want, could and should be.
- Be yourself, like yourself. Once you have figured out who you are, be yourself even though you can’t please everyone. If you feel like you could be better after you are brought down in any ways, it just means that you want to be better, which in turn means that you can be better and you just realised that you could and you are better than who you are now.
- Enough is abundance. When you try to improve, enough is the key. Never go limitless or you will cease to find the purpose in all this. Know when is enough so you do not lose yourself and finally end up being the society’s puppet. Once you find yourself and overcome your weak qualities to a satisfying level you know you deserve, be satisfied.
Overcome, overcome, overcome. Lastly, always remember the keyword. You can never be yourself and get your confidence and self-esteem without overcoming your fears and any other factors. If you have the will, you can polish yourself to a shine you will never believe you will ever have.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall – reflect upon me, my true self that I cease to know.
There are times, we could not even look up to ourselves. We felt disgusted with what we had become, what we had done, or said or intended. None of such should cost anyone in this world, the loss of self worth.
An act of penitence does not define the unworthiness of a character, instead the contrary. Our past deeds will always be the past. No actions later may alter the fact. However, penitence, soon to follow like a shadow’s distance from a subject, is that one and only chance we could compensate for our deeds.
Fear not, for those who remorse their deeds, for their courage to admit them. Fear those, who decorate their deeds, in such ways, convincing enough to blur your vision between good and evil.
Never for a moment, doubt yourselves when you are constantly struck with the realizations of your winding paths in life. Mistakes are inevitable, may it be intentional mistakes or not. An intention exists beyond our full control. Therefore having intended to do a deed, be it good or bad, could simply be a mistake and not unalterable scars.
Why are we struck with these realizations and feel remorse? Remorse for your past actions, is simply a sign. A sign of who you really are. Knowing ourselves is a task impossible for most. But penitence, unknowingly, serve us better than a mirror could.
When we feel guilt, we know we had done wrong. Guilt exists after admittance. Admittance towards one’s fault is a courageous trait, and a trait worth seeing. Such a trait is a glimpse of light in a dark cave it represents. Further ‘self-inflict’ punishments are unnecessary once such thoughts exist. Though the tendency of losing self worth is common to occur, one should think the otherwise and be more rich with perspectives in their views.
Understand that, once you feel self worthlessness, you know what went wrong. So do you know what you should and should not do in later time. It is a self discovery of self characteristics. Without such moments, there will not be an entity for us to compare our self worth by. Only with bad deeds and remorse afterwards, are what made us realize, in a sense that, we could be better than who we are now.
What better mirror to use to reflect upon ourselves, than penitence? Be glad you feel remorse for your deeds, and not otherwise. Self worthlessness is perhaps one of those negative sounding concepts that actually bring positive impacts.
Question your worthiness, is what raises your worthiness.